Archive for July, 2007

Choices . Moodless

Every morning, I am reluctant to wake up and thinking about the school day makes me sick. Well, not exactly sick, but probably makes me even more tired and all. I will munch on my breakfast, feeling really full by just a few bites. Nevertheless, I’d finish it. I’ll go to the bus stop and wait for the bus. Sometimes, I’d be really glad that I’m early, but recently, being later than usual is happiness. I can slow down and I’d watch the bus drive pass me, not having the urge to run for it. I used to run for buses, even ran 2 bus stops before to catch it. But now, I think otherwise. If I don’t run after the bus, I’d have time to sit at the bus stop to rest. I’m just making myself more tired if I run for the bus.

To me, there will be unexpected things that’ll happen at school. I can be great one moment and upset the next. This is my life. And it’s horrible. It’s odd, yes. But that’s how things work. Commitments clashes and I’d have to make a choice, just like today. Choices, are hard for me now. I fear that I will make the ‘wrong’ choice. Probably not wrong, but just not a good choice. It happened before, when I chose my school at primary 6. Today, I had to choose between going for the Jalan Kayu Heritage Trail and the Academic Excellence Programme story telling at Fernvale Primary. Both are in charged by Miss J. Lim and Miss Jas respectively.

I did mention to Miss Lim yesterday that I had to go for storytelling. Apparently, I’d be asked to skip it. But today, Miss Jas met us up during morning assembly and I told her. She said that I must go for the storytelling. I’ve practised my narrations for the Biology Trail already and now, I’ve been asked to skip the Heritage Trail. I told her that Miss Lim asked me not to go for the storytelling and she became furious. Everyone pointed fingers of blame at me, saying that I said the wrong thing. The fact is, Miss Lim DID say that to me. However, why must Miss Jas be so furious. Can’t we just sit down and talk things out. So, I got Miss Lim into trouble, didn’t I? =/

After everything, she asked me to decide which one to go to. Now, for either one I choose, I’m going to get a bit of lecturing from each. It really troubled me the whole morning. Yes, I was annoyed. I was troubled and I totally don’t know which to choose. I dislike being put in a position whereby I have to choose.

After school, I went to look for Miss Lim again as I looked for her during recess and couldn’t find her. This time, I couldn’t get her again. I saw Mr Lin and he was involved. I asked him which to go for and if it’s all right for me not to go for the heritage trail. He asked me to go for the storytelling session and also informed me that Miss Lim is not around today.

Goodness. Still, I wasn’t satisfied. I still didn’t know what to do. I went down to level 1 and looked for Miss Jas who was supposed to be waiting already since I was delayed by going to level 4. It was really disappointing to see no sign of Miss Jas. Wosrt still, there was only 2 out of 22 students in this programme there. I was pissed off, confused and all. Breathing hard, I went to look for Wendy. It’s just so frustrating. Miss Jas made it difficult for me and now I’ve made my choice. And the choice I made seemed so wrong. People are not even prepared when I rushed around like a mad woman. This is just so super irritating.

When Miss Jas finally appeared, I told her I’ve decided to go as Miss Lim wasn’t in school. You know what she told me? ‘HA! You’re so slow! I know it since morning and you just found out! I knew it!’. Dang. Oh my goodness. She knew it since morning and didn’t tell me?? Oh whatever.

Wendy and I walked under the sun towards Ferncale Primary School. We were the first to reach there and strolled to the library. The kids were there and we were put in charged by the teacher there. I was extremely annoyed and pissed by the girls from 2E1, and for good reasons. First, we were all there at the foyer when we set off. Second, it was 14:50 and they were 20 minutes late. I find it really irresponsible for them to be strolling and all. It gave A LOT of trouble, really. Many kids couldn’t find their storytellers and were lost. They looked really bored and unhappy. You know, it’s really hard to handle it?

After the whole thing, I went back to school to look for Mr Larry. I guess he left. Well, nevermind, then I left the school. So I kind of walked back to school for nothing. It’s okay though. Ive been feeling this for a few days already — I don’t want to go home to early. Home isn’t really like a home. My parents are at home and not working. It reduces the number of things I can do at home. It’ll be worst if I get naggings and scoldings from them. Apart from that, I didn’t have the mood to travel. There are basically 2 ways I can go home. One is to take the LRT train [usually the longer distance], then transfer to a bus. Or not, I’ll walk through the terrace houses, to a bus stop where I’ll take a bus for 2 bus stops. Apparently, the second way is faster, but more tiring. The first way is slower, but I can ‘relax’. I’ll NEVER feel good to take the LRT home alone. It’s always boring and lonely and that’s terrible. By the end of the day, I’m all tired and restless. I have not much energy left to walk or travel. I wish I stay in school. I just feel really laxy to do anything.

Today, I actually planned to do my homework out tonight. However, I just feel so lethargic and can barely do any work. In addition, I have no energy to travel. So, I called it off. Sigh. That’s bad. Now, what happens to my homework? Once again, I’m more interested in self-study. Homework… ><

I can’t recall what I have tomorrow. But it seem like a busy day to me when I can’t even think of what I’m having after school. We’ll be doing Physics practical. ARGH. No mood for anything now. =/ In future, I’ll be travelling by public transport more often. Dad just sold his car. Now, he’d drive a cab, 18:00 to 06:00. Night shift. Eeks. Wonder how do I survive without transport at home.

I am so sick and tired now. I want to sleep, but don’t have the mood for it. I want to play Upshift Strike Racer, but don’t have the mood to race or attack. I want to do my TYS now, but again, no mood for it. The brain isn’t functioning like how it should. Argh.

Things better be good tomorrow. I’ll probably look for Mr Larry after school to get some of these annoyance out of my mind. It’s driving me nuts and making me feel so horrible.

yours,
huishan.

Let your mp3 answer the questions!

RULES:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. Put the last title of the song as the subject.
4. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!!!

IF SOMEONE SAYS “IS THIS OKAY”, YOU SAY ?
You’re My Number One – Enrique Inglesias
That means it’s okay. haha.

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Big Girls Don’t Cry – Fergie
Sorry. I guess I cry a lot. Probably I’m not a big girl.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
I Need You – Westlife
Of course I’ll need you when I like you.

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
It’s Not Okay – Secondhand Serenade
You’re right, I wasn’t okay today.

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
Nostalgiatopia – Eleventyseven

Hmmm… My life is to be nostalgic? I never know that. But yes, I do get nostalgic.

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Damn Regret – The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Regret a lot? Hmm.. I do regret about some things and choices I made.

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
What Hurts the Most – Rascal Flatts
I always hurt people or people always hurt me? I guess number 2 fits better. I don’t like to hurt people.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Words I Couldn’t Say – Rascal Flatts
Very true. I can’t say a lot of things to them.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Guilty – Blue
Zomg. I’m guilty about every little thing.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BESTIES?
Somewhere Only We Know – Keane
Yes. We share secrets. (:

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Cobrastyle – Teddybears Sthlm & Mad Cobra
Woah. *speechless*

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Hanging by the Moment – Lifehouse
not telling? Interesting.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Right Here Waiting – Richard Marx
I’ll be right here waiting. HAHA.

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Wonderland – Kendall Payne
Yes, I ‘wonder’ a lot, eh?

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Live and Learn – The Cardigans
Err… Not THAT bad.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Welcome to the Black Parade – My Chemical Romance
wow. =/

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Tears and Rain – James Blunt
Erm.. Right. I like to cry and I like the rain.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Asshole Father – Sick Puppies
That says it all.

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Best Day of my Life – Jesse McCartney
I don’t know what to say. ><

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Double Trouble – Harry Potter Soundtrack

Lets watch a Harry Potter marathon together!
OR
I’m in trouble with my friends. ><

 

that’s all.

Another break down.

Today was rather bad. I broke down AGAIN, in school. This morning, an announcement was made that there will be a council meeting after school. I was really depressed when I heard that. I’ve got plans after school to watch Harry potter and the Order of the Phoenix with Ben, Wendy and Tim. I went to Mr Lim and asked what time the meeting will end. He said to me, ‘You’re the President of the Council. You shouldn’t be asking this.’ I asked this and was disappointed and upset by it not because I’ve got plans. Firstly, I think that we have the right to know what time it’ll end, since this is a last minute meeting. Secondly, why out of all the days in the week, today? We were given a break today after all that hardwork we went through. To be frank, half day break isn’t enough to cover up the rest we lost and all the breaks taken away from us. But, fair enough since you can’t really call off the whole school day. Now, we finally got a break, you take it away just like that? Thinking of it, that I finally can have a break and yet, it’s taken away, I was extremely sad and was in a teary mood throughout the lessons. During Chemistry, I couldn’t stand bottling all these up. I thought I’d just cry but I didn’t want to. So, I wrote it down and discussed with Amanda Ting, Gena and Shi Min who were unhappy about this arrangement too. It was just downright unreasonable. I thought I seriously need to tell Mr Lim about how I feel about this arrangement.

Thus, during recess, I took my muffin to the canteen to eat before I look for Mr Lim. I met Ben on the way down and Miss lo too. I told them about this unreasonable thing and continued my way to the canteen. I ate a little bit of the muffin and I was seriously lack of appetite. I was practically forcing it down. So, no point. Ben decided to look for Mr Lim with me. On the way up, I was already unstable. I knew I can cry anytime, but I was trying to control the tears. As I spoke to Mr Lim, for less than a minute, I just broke down. Yes, I was upset. Mr Lim continued talking. I was distracted and was sorry for crying just like that, really. Sorry, Mr Lim. And I know being the President, I shouldn’t be saying that the meeting is unreasonable, but it’s just that I really need to express it. ><

At that moment, I knew I had to talk to someone. Yes, I know Mr Larry, as in I wanted to talk to him [to be frank], rather long ago. He’s the only school counsellor that I see around most often. And he looks approachable. I see him in the morning at times and I really wanted to talk but I didn’t know how to approach him, so, nevermind. Today. Ben helped me call him from the staff room. Then we talked at level 4 and I told him everything that’s troubling me and all. We talked for about an hour. I missed Physics lessons and returned to class during Social Studies whereby everyone is supposingly dismissed. I felt good and better after talking to him, really. And he helped me a lot. Thanks Mr Larry, for listening to me, talking to me and helping me. I am really grateful.

Anyway, after all that, I went to watch Harry Potter at Vivo City and met up with Richard for tea at Carls Junior. And I came home. I was quite a day today. And tomorrow is another crazy one. Lessons all the way and I’ve got to go for the Jalan Kayu Heritage Trail in the JUNGLE. Dang. I’m very very tired. =/ Then I’ll be the narrator. Oh wells.

By the way, I scored 36/40 for my Biology test on respiration. It was luck, trust me, at least think it is, since I think I don’t really understand the whole chapter.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day. It better be.

love,
huishan.

Fears

My apologies for not blogging yesterday. I was extremely tired and mum will definitely scream at me if I touch the computer. I just backdated it.

I went for the race yesterday, all tired and lonely. I reached SKCC and was the only female there as well as on the bus. Gender has never been a matter to me but yesterday, I was very much ignored. Well, at least I had the time to rest. However, the loneliness just remained as I read my book. It’s a new book that I borrowed as I thought I really needed to read in the morning. Hence, before I even head to SKCC, I rushed to Compass Point library to borrow 2 books — ‘The Defender’ and ‘Blood Pressure’. They’re both thrillers, and thrillers are at least interesting. So, on the bus, I was in a lousy mood.

When we reached there, I saw Chin Yi, Sing Yun, Poh Khoon and Yvonne, doing CIP work at the race. Next, I saw Miss Ng and talked a little. She said I looked really tired. Indeed. In the end, Peter sent all men down, me being the only female. But I was the drummer, for the first time. Being the drummer was a great experience. I was very much unbalanced at first. But I enjoyed it later, hitting really hard during the race itself. I didn’t hold the stick properly, hence, I was hitting my middle finger on the drum too, causing it to be swollen and bruised after the race. We came in 2nd with a timing of 1.37 minutes.

Then we waited for the prize presentation and I left for Tan Tock Seng Hospital, alone. I saw coach and he was recovering really fast. He talked to me a lot about the team and training. I was extremely fatigued and could dose off simply anytime. So, I thought I was 1/4 sleeping already. Then I left about 45 minutes to an hour later. I went to Toa Payoh to find mum. Got rather unhappy cause I couldn’t find my way there and I was so tired.

Dad arrived and picked us up, and he said that I don’t know photography. Zomg. That really hit me hard. So, I just shut off with music. I didn’t want to talk after that. I went to my niece’s house and played with the dogs, Shandy and Coco. They were great. (: Megan is still cute and smart.

Anyhow, I returned home, getting annoyed after that by mum. Being so annoyed, I was confused. Together with the lethargy, it was seriously crazy. I went to the bedroom, in the darkness. I felt like crying but couldn’t. In the darkness, I felt a sudden fear. Darkness hasn’t been something I feared. But last night, it was different, I just had this fear in me, and racing thoughts. There was some creepy music outside, it freaked me out even more. The moment I shut my eyes, scary thoughts, I don’t what, just appeared. It was terrible.

Pei Hwa’s Official Opening Ceremony

Hey all! YOU KNOW WHAT? IT’S OVER! Now, I’ll briefly talk about today.

In the morning, I headed to Plaza Singapura REDS salon to do up my hair and make-up. This goes the same for Wendy, Hazimah and Miss Lo herself. Miss Lo made an appointment for us, being the first customers. We were asked if we wanted water, tea or coffee. I said it’s okay and the lady brought my water and biscuits. Really nice. Then she asked me with I washed my hair this morning. I didn’t but I did last night. Hence, she washed my hair for me. It was really relaxing. I lay there and she used cold water to rinse my hair and shampoo it. Then used warm water to rinse it off. After that, she dried my hair which took really long as she did it layers by layers.Next, my hair was made into a French bun or something like that. Thought it was rather cool. It was rather difficult to do it. Moreover, she was using ONLY pins, no rubberbands, no gel or wax. After she’s done with it, it was finished by hairspray to keep it there for the whole day. Lastly, the make-up. It was a lot of layers, compared to how normal people put on make-ups. But anyway, having the role as the minister means that my make-up does not have to be wild and all.

We were there from 10:30 to 14:00. Miss Lo bought a pair of pink pearl earrings for me to fit my outfit. She said it was for me. Aww… So sweet.Miss Lo also bought some breads for us to eat and paid for the cab. We headed back to school and did our sound check. The headsets didn’t seem to be working very well for Ben and Hazimah. Oh wells. After sound check, we went to the AVA theatrette to leave our thigns there, get changed and rest there while we wait for the time to come. I was kind of upset there cause I felt lonely and helpless. I tried helping people to put on make-up but Wendy insisted that she do it. So, fine, I’ll listen to my music. Then when I helped the guys, she cleaned them off and redo them again. >< Like, I’m so useless. I want to do, you don’t allow. I did it on someone else, you rub it off and do it yourself. Man. So, I was upset and almost cried but didin’t. I went on with my music and smsed Charlton Lim [from Catholic High]. Not long later, we were requested to make our way to the hall to prepare. I couldn’t bring my phone along but I really felt like I need to talk to someone. So, no choice, I walked there and all. The councillors cheered me on and I saw Mr Tan Y.K..

Anyway, we waited and the whole thing started. I was overjoyed that I didn’t screw up cause I kept telling myself to be calm and don’t let what happened previously affect me. So, there, I slowed down and it was great. I enjoyed myself and smiled a lot. Many couldn’t recognise me and said I looked really matured. I’ll post the photos on my blog when I received them. I shook hands with Mr Tharman Shanmugaratnum, Minister for Education and Second Minister for Finance, 4 times throughout the whole opening ceremony. He said it was a great performance and spoke to us. He also mentioned that we could speak really well and probably can set up a drama club and encourage people who are weaker in English to join, in order to boost theit confidence.

During the dinner, I wasn’t really eating. In fact, I was moving around a lot to entertain people, especially Miss Sophia Tan. I met other teachers who left, like Mrs Quek, and all. So great to see them again. I shook hands with many teachers and all and they said it was great performance. (: I miss Miss Sophia Tan A LOT. I thought of her during lessons and wish to talk to her sometimes. Seeing her today is really wonderful. She kept rubbing my back to make me feel better. We put our hands over each other, we held hands and we hug. Awww.. I t was really sweet. I really had the urge to hug her. And we hugged really long. I missed her so much that the sight of her can make me cry — tears of joy. It was lovely. Unfortunately, she couldn’t join me after the event as she has some kind of celebrations with the other teachers.

After the whole event, Ben, Shi Min, Danny, Hao Wen and I went to McDonalds at Compass Point. It was already 22:15 at that time. We stayed there for awhile and talked a bit. We started to make our move after we realised that we may miss the last bus. So, we all went home. When I reached home, I washed up, got out of my character’s looks and here I am, blogging.

I have a dragon boat race tomorrow! Hope it’ll be good. After that, I’ll probably pay a visit to coach at the hospital. So, I think I’ll play a little bit of Upshift Strike Racer now. Nights!

I love you, Miss Sophia Tan! ((:

lots of love,
huishan.

Ups and downs.

Today, I was having rather bad abdominal discomforts and was really really tired. I didn’t feel good all along. I had some bad moments and all. I was lonely for some time and felt like I really needed someone to talk to. I was in a teary mood.

Then in the afternoon, I went to find the school counsellor with Wendy, Mrs Geraldine. That’ll be my first time seeing her and the second time Wendy is seeing her. We went to the counselling room and talked about our problems. It was very much an introduction and she gave us a chart to monitor our symptoms and emotions.

During the rehearsal, I felt really drowsy and felt like I’ll drop on the table anytime. I’d like to thank Miss Lo for the small token of appreciation. She gave me a notebook and a metal box. Tomorrow is the BIG DAY. In the morning, we’ll be going to the salon to do up my hair and make up for my character. Then we’ll head to school, get prepared, do some sound checks and all. Then it’ll be the actually thing. Zomg. Scary.

Anyway, I’m so happy that I scored 3rd or 4th in class for my Chinese composition! 53/70! Oh my goodness! That’s my best! Cause I used a lot of the phrases that were provided by the chinese teacher. ((:

Looking forward to next appointment with psychiatrist, social worker, and school counsellor.

I’m glad that I made a new friend online today. He’s really nice and made me happy. He’s Jake from Ukraine. (: Yay! Another friend made. Thanks Jake for making my day. 😀

lots of love,
huishan. ((:

First appointment with the psychiatrist.

Woah. My first visit to the psychiatrist is over! Was so anxious about it!

After school today, dad came to school to fetch me [for the first time] to IMH as a parent has to come along with me. I was early there and we went to Sunrise Wing. However, we were directed to Sayang Wellness Clinic as it was a rescheduled appointment. So, we did the resgistration. I filled up a slip of my particulars and dad had to do a long survey. When we were done with the registration, it was 15:20. Then, we waited.

Finally, at 16:20, it was my turn. Before that, I had my height and weight taken and fell asleep at the sofa. When I entered the room [I was trying to sneak in without dad. =X], the psychiatrist, Dr Lim, spoke in Mandarin, saying hi and introduced himself and clarified my name. I think I gave him an odd look. Then he asked if I want him to speak in Mandarin or English. Of course English.

The first question he asked me was ‘How’s school?’. I said it was okay. He started asking a lot of other questions to get some information indirectly. Trust me, you will never think of what he’ll ask. With dad around, I seriously couldn’t answer properly. It went to the extent that he asked, ‘Then why are you here?’. He asked that cause I didn’t mention any problem. Finally, I started off with difficulties concentrating. Then when I tried to say a bit more and had a little trouble elaborating [due to the presence of dad], he requested that my dad leave the room. Woah. I almost asked him to do that initially.

So,we talked more for 40 minutes or so. I shared more and more of my problems and he tried giving some advice and his personal experiences. It was not bad. I started to review about me. He didn’t say what’s wrong with me but agreed that I’m totally stressed out.

He put me on an appointment with a social worker on 10 August to help me with my problems and discuss them in detail. Then, I’ll have another appointment with him on 4 September. He asked me if I mind if they send a letter to my school. And I said no. I wonder what they’re going to say in the letter. Lastly, he wanted to tell dad some of my problems when talking to him one to one. But I objected. Hence, he promised me that he won’t say anything.

Great. It’s over. Now, I’m looking forward to my next appointment. At least I’ll get some help then. Today wasn’t bad with Dr. Lim. But it was extremely awkward with my dad alone. ><

love,
huishan.